palmtreesandprada

Maintenance

2005-08-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend was like every other weekend although it will most likely stand out above the rest.

On Friday night I went through a difficult situation. Without going into details, it involved a guy that I have been interested in and it totally took a nose dive into the 'friendship' category. This seems to happen to me a lot lately.

So yesterday I woke up and was completely bummed out from Friday nights Malay. I was very emotional and had a case of the 'why me?' I threw myself the ultimate pity party and conjured up thoughts of me at 80 years old still looking for my guy.

I was able to snap out of it and pull myself together. "don't be such a pussy, Jeff!!"

Seriously, there is no reason for me to be so upset. So ok, I caught the wrong vibe. Big deal. I ended up talking to this guy after the fact and realized that I was on a whole other playing field and that I missed some clues that friendship was all he wanted. Most likely because I wanted something so bad that I failed to pay any attention.

I have to take some responsibility. I am totally rushing into trying to find a LTR. It's as if I am forcing the issue. It's not gonna happen this way. It'll happen when I least expect it. People always say that but it is true.

What started out as a miserable 'call me the wham-bulence kind of a day' turned out to be a very eye opening day. I realize what I am doing wrong and I can work on this and prevent and alleviate future stress.

This is great! So I had a great night last night with friends and today was nice too.

All in all it was a great weekend. Ask me yesterday morning and I would have said "Hell no!" but now it's all coming together.

Shit I am only twenty mother fuckin six... I need to give myself a break and relax.

Giving Thanks

2005-08-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is a couple few months away but I am feeling very thankful for all the good in my life.

I am surrounded by good people.
I have people here in Phoenix and in Seattle that love me.
I have a good job... even though I am constantly bitching about it :)
I have great family- the best. They are supportive and thoughtful, caring and geniune.

My life seems crazy at times. I am always on the go. I am flying but am grounded. My friends and family help to keep my feet on this ground.

Two years ago I was a different person. I was hiding from who I really am. Hiding from my family, my friends and my most importantly myself.

I took a gamble, a huge risk. Not knowing the outcome. Moving to Phoenix - the best decision I ever could have made. This was an outlet fo me to find myself. I came out to my family, to my friends, and to myself.

Phew... what a releif.

I am most thankful for the continued love and support I receive from everyone around me. Not one person, not one, has had anything negative to say about my sexual orientation. Sure there are questions. My Father does not understand but he is trying and above all else the love between a Father and his Son is solid and unbreakable. I talk to him everday. I talk to my Mom everyday and my brother and I have never been so close.

It's tough being gay. At times it is exhausting. There are people in this world that want me dead. They look past who I really am and see a label... HOMOSEXUAL. Thankfully I have not felt this discrimination in my life as of yet. My life will be full of trials and tribulations. I am a minority. I am gay. Having good people around me yeilds me happiness. I look past all that and smile.

Thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks Billy. Thank you Heather, Katie, Will, Michelle, Laurel, Ben, Jeff, Anne, Cath, Kim, Christy, Greg, Jenny, Jen, Shamley, Matt, Matty, Spady, Alaina, Alecia, Megan, Aly, Jay, Bree, Brian, Chuck, Mary Jo, Steve, Dan, Kate, Kristin, Jan, Maria, Schmoody, Rona, Jimmy, Grandma, Mitzie, Gary, Ross, Renee, Tommy, Rich, Jaime, Sarah, Travis, Sharon, Colleen, Kellie, Amy, Allison and Margo to name a few.... and to everyone else that has touched my life in any way.

I miss you and love you all.

Jeff ;)

Just a little off the top..... thanks

2005-08-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

It was another hot and muggy day in the valley of the sun... I was driving home from the gym after torturing myself with an hour and a half of cardio.

On my home I looked in the rearview mirror and let out a scream.... "My hair!"
It was out of control. I needed desparately to do something about it and there was no time to waste. I dont know if going to get a hair cut when I am dripping with sweat i such a great idea, but it was just Great fuckin Clips, afterall. Boy was I in for a doozy.

I never look forward to getting my hair cut. I seem to always be in a very introverted and "I dont want to talk to you" mood whenever I feel the need for a little off the top.

I walk in and put my name down. The girl at the counter is very timid and I can barely make out her inaudible "can I get your phone number." Her hair was tragic. It was zebra striped black and tan and was frizzy as hell. Looking around I noticed that these hairdressers were most likely dipped... no wait... double dipped, into the ugly pond. What really gets me is that each of them had the most disgusting hair I have ever seen in my life.

For some reason I was not the only person interested in gettin me hair did that day. It was getting busy and I was starting to get annoyed. Everyone in there looked like they just got done with a shopping spree at a dollar store. I was growing tense and my attitude was quickly turning into "oh no you did not wear that."

So this lady, or for lack of better words, SEA DONKEY, calls my name.

She was a larger women, about the size of a Mack Truck. She had the most gratuitist mop of nasty on her head I have ever seen. It looked like a gray ball of old yarn.
Not only that but she was a talker. I was not havin it.

I tell her I wanted a 3 on the side and some length on top. The bitch gives me a ledge, A LEDGE! Ok at this point I told her to just 5 the top and blend it in. Blend, blend, blend... yeah thanks.

Coming from the gym my hair was a little tragic. I used hair glue and my hair was pretty sticky. Well this angered, yes angered, Sea Donkey Gray Yarn Mack Truck women. She said I make her job very difficult and asked me why I use such product.

"Because I like it bitch."

So she is trimming the burns and asks me what I did to my face... oh no she did not not...

I am testing out handlebars and I gotta say I think it's hot. Well she didnt think so. She made fun of me in front of everyone in the place. I mean I guess it didnt really matter having some bucktoothed mullet man laughing at you. You cant help but laugh right back.

Anyways I am gonna wrap this up... it was a hair raising experience but at least my hair looks somewhat decent. Next time I am doin it myself so I can bypass the circus at Great fuckin Clips.

awww good! wait....dang!

2005-07-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Scottsdale is chock full of restaraunts... from fine dining to trendy sushi venues to your average run of the mill chain restaraunt.

Scottsdale happens to be a breeding ground for beautiful people, albiet pretentious, beautiful none the less.

On a recent visit to TGIFridays, I caught the eye of a cute waiter. I figured he had to be straight. He was masculine and had no signs of hopping the fence into homosexuality. I ordered my drink, a Belini w/ Chambourg, as usual along with some appetizers. The night went on and I couldnt take my eyes off him. Once I find out a guy is straight I back off immediatly, not only because he is completely unatainable, but out of respect.

Until I find out, they are either gay or straight... to bed.

A couple Belini's later (this drink is my ultimate fav... the drink of my 2005 year if you will) I gathered up as much confidence as possible and left him my number on the bill. I was completely clueless as to his sexual identity but I figured what the hell. I am a good looking guy and if anything he should be flattered.

The next day I get a phone call... it's him.

"No Shit!" I thought. We chatted for a couple minutes and lined up a casual get together on Saturday. It was refreshing to know that I could actually meet a guy outside of a gay bar. It was an epiphany and it gave me hope for my homosexual generation.

That night I went out to a freinds birthday party and was designated driver. We went to a country gay bar and this is the last place I want to be when I am sober. It was nice, however, to be on the otherside and watch other people make complete asses of themselves.

I went home about 11p and crawled into bed after setting my alarm to 6a and I immediatly crashed upon hitting the pillow.

At 3a I was awakened by Jessica Simpson's rendition of "These Boots are Made for Walking," my current ring tone. Who is calling me at this hour? Last time I checked I didnt have any current booty calls. It was the waiter. Three times he called and three times I hit ignore.

I met the guy once, if you call the exchanges between a waiter and his diners an actual introduction. We talked on the phone once. Then he calls me that late? What is his motive? Is he a whore like everyone else in the bar scene?

What started out as refreshing quickly turned sour.

This is not all bad. The fact that I mustered up enough courage to give a seemingly straight person my number has to account for something.

I am optimistic... this was like a lightning strike... it never strikes in the same place twice. I ll meet a guy who will want what I want. I may have to wait but in the end it will all fall into place and be toatlly worth it. Whether it be a waiter at Fridays, a bartender at Fox Sports Grill, a cashier at Safeway, a VW car salesman or a guy working at Fred Segal, it'll happen.

I never...

2005-07-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

It was Sunday afternoon and I was huddled inside my air conditioned apartment in complete boredom staring at the clock waiting for it to strike 530p. That was when I planned on taking flight off the couch and go to a BBQ at my friends Maria and Brians new house in Central Phoenix.

530p rolled around and I stammered outside and into my car. The air was hot and debilitating. I immediately blasted the a/c and headed to the BBQ. I was meeting my friend Will and Thomas there and other than them I didnt know anyone except for the hosts of course.

When I arrived I immediatley felt at home. Not that I was surprised as Maria and Brian are good people and their friends are my friends.

The Sangria was flowing, and might I add, Will did an excellent job coming up with the concoction. It was a major hit and a great conversation piece. Needless to say we all got pretty tanked and we all decided to play a drinking game outside in the sweltering 112 degree heat... at 8p at night.

The game? My favorite pastime "KINGS." For those if you that do not know this game, it goes a little like this...

12 cards all meaning something, each associated with it's own rule...

2- drink 2
3- give 3
4 for whores, 6 for dicks, etc, etc..

The 8 card is 'I never...'

We all, about 10 of us, held up 3 fingers. The person who picked the 8 card asks 3 questions. These statements almost always deal with sex... or drugs, 99% of the time, unless you're playing with Mormons.

An example... "I have never had sex in a public park.."

If you have had sex in a public park down goes a finger... the person that loses all three fingers first drinks.

So we were gettin real happy and the booze was a flowin.

This guy pulls the 8 card... "I never..."

First statement:

"I have never kissed a member of the same sex." Dang! Finger down.... they dont know I am gay yet... they'll think I was just drunk.

2nd statement:

"___________________________"... I am not repeating.. not on my blog (inquire within haha)... nonetheless it was xxx rated. I looked at Will, looked at Thomas, Maria and Brian.... they all know I am gay... the other strangers at the table did not. Well I got the "come on Jeff! put down your finger!" glare from all 4 of them. Dang Tina! 2nd finger down.

3rd statement:

"_____________________________" This one is worse.. use your imagination... it was gay and XXX rated... and dammit!! Once again, finger down... I lose... I drink.

Ok at this point I stood up and officially came out to the table in a dramatic center of attention sort of way.

I am not ashamed of my sexuality and will not deny it if asked, but I certainly do not prance around in a rainbow skirt singing show tunes. What is the likelihood that some straight guy would ask those 3 questions in a row, to which he put his finger down on the first statement?!

I have never laughed so hard. It was pretty funny and everyone was really cool. We then played "I never..." all night and I seemed to come off as a bad boy, I had to drink on every statement.

It's one thing to tell people you meet... "yeah, by the way, I am gay."
It's a whole other show when you let people know in an "I never..." game... talk about a first impression, even for a straight person, oh my gad.

I have never been so comfortable with myself in such an uncomfortable situation, though.

Regardless of the momentary embarrassment it did get me attention.
I am an attention whore.
So it's all good :)

Life can be one big default...

2005-07-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

"How's it going?"

"Great! How are you?"

"I am good thanks for asking."

This can be the biggest crock of shit....

I am at the grocery store and I pass someone I dont know in the aisle. I usually say "Hey, How's it going" or "What's up?" which is engrained in my head since I was a young Jeffie back in the day.

They always respond "Fine, thanks." Sometimes an "and you?" follows but it depends. At the checkout the same scenario repeats. "How's it going?" "Good and you?" "Great, thanks."

If they only knew that I was not okay and that I happen to be having the crappiest day ever, they probably wouldnt even ask. For one they dont know me from Adam and secondly they most likely dont care. Not to sound like an ass, take it as you will, but I really dont care how they are either. It is just the default conversation that it seems everybody abides by.

Would if we were completely honest... it would be complete and udder chaos...

"Hey how's it going?"

"Actually I am having the worst day ever..." and I start to cry.

The person that asked me the default "I really dont care just trying to be nice" ice-breaker starts to get nervous and taken aback. "I am sorry..." Note that they dont ask "Oh, why? Please devulge!!"

"My dog died today and my car broke down and my lover ran out on me and to add a cherry on the already rotten sundae.... I have crabs!"

Okay at this point it is an uncomfortable "why in holy hell did I ask this freak how he was doing?" The person replies... "Um, ok, I am really sorry."

At this point the other person, or victim in this case, sticks to the default.

I ask, "So how are you?"

"Fine."

Next time someone asks you "Hi, how are you?" whether it be a shoe salesman at Nordstrom, a checker at Safeway or a gas station attendant at Shell, dont hesitate to tell them the truth. It is actually very entertaining and it is always good to vent to a neutral party, cuz hell, you'll never see them again, right?

So I meant to ask... how the hell are ya buddy?

Any plans this weekend?

2005-07-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

How many times do you hear that? I am guessing a lot. It seems that everyone I run into asks me that exact question.

It happens to be Friday, July 1st, the start of a long three day weekend. With July 4th on Monday there is obviously no shortage of vacations and getaways... just ask everyone I know.

I have no plans this weekend, none. I gotta say that I want it that way. I just moved so this is a great opportunity for me to get my new fabulous place together. Some much needed Jeffie time if you will. Days out by the pool by myself in the hopes of meeting new people.

Why does one have to leave town to enjoy a three day weekend? I am completely content doing nothing in my air conditioned apartment watching sappy movies. Granted it would be nice to have someone to watch these movies with, nevertheless I enjoy time on my own to reflect. To reflect on my past and dream of my future.

I am at that age where I live day to day very spontaneously. I actually hate plans. I would much rather live life on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. I leave the planning to my friends. If I make plans and they fall through I get bummed out so why put myself in that scenario?

This weekend is up in the air... I have no clue what I am doing but I guaren-fuckin-tee I ll have a good time regardless of what I do. For me, flying by the seat of my pants is the way to go. It's better than San Diego, it's better than camping in the mountains and better than a trip down to Mexico. Spontaneity is bliss... or is that ignorance? I forget.

What? No celebrities?

2005-06-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was in LA visiting my beautiful and bodacious babes Miss Alecia and Miss Megan. I flew in on a Friday night and was immediately whisked away... after waiting an hour and a half for those biotches to pick me up... LOL.

Whisked away to where you ask? The horse races at Hollywood Park. I have never been to a horse race and I don't even know anything about horses. I think they are very pretty but that is about it. I had a scare in the deserts of Arizona once when I was a young chap when I was lost and ran into a motorcyclist on a trail... Needless to say I almost shat my pants at the tender age of twelve as the horse starting bucking wildly. Anyways so we go to the races and have a kick ass time.

Whenever I go to LA I wonder if I will see famous people. I always feel like the chances are good and that I will atleast see a B-lister.

Well that night we managed to catch an after race concert by the classic Taylor Dayne and let me tell you I was in awe and star struck... hehe. It was fun nonetheless. We all danced and partied off our many dollar beers consumed during the races. Megan and Alecia were doing the Romi and Michelle's high school reunion sketch and were dancing around like fairies in a field. It was pretty hot and with the large crowd of barely 100 people, they stood out and even got a hoo-raw from Taylor herself. At this point I was pretty dang tipsy in my cowboy hat and tight Diesel jeans and was imagining Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino in the shoes of Megan and Alicia. This was strictly to fill my celebrity sighting expectations.

The next day we woke up, albeit groggy, to a beautiful LA morning and headed to Urth Cafe for breakfast. Surely this is a place for celebrities, a celebrity hot spot if you will. Amongst the dozen or so no-namer's we managed to spot the kid, now adult, who played The young Tom Hanks in the movie Big. We then went to a gas station off of Santa Monica and ran into the President of Rockstar energy drinks.

The rest of the day we shopped up and down Melrose and Robertson where I managed to spend $800 on a pair of Seven jeans, 2 Energie shirts, some $100 shirt at Kitson, some sandals and a Smith's NY hat. Can you say buyer's remorse?? Atleast they are hot and I love them and that is all that matters.

Later that night we went to The Abbey on Santa Monica and Robertson and tried to blend in amongst the humm of the LA vibe. I was the only person in the place, let alone in LA, wearing a cowboy hat. It was hot and I was told I look like a splitting image of Tim McGraw with that ensemble.

I was waiting in line for the men's room and I was approached and asked if I was "in that movie"... "Yeah I know you... You're in that movie..." Before I knew it a bunch of people were in agreement.

Here I am looking for celebrities and all I find are people that think that I am one. This whole time all I needed to do was look in the mirror... I didn't even have to go to LA afterall to find the stars!! That is a great note to self... Wear the cowboy hat with some tight jeans and I ll get some 'people think I am a celebrity' ass. Great... Now to put this to the test... Where is the Club? Which way to the market?? This way? Thanks!

Real World Austin

2005-06-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I just gotta say that I was completely blown away with the new cast of The Real World Austin on MTV. The show premiered last night and it was so drama filled and intense. It will be the greatest Real World ever! I am reality tv whore and get so worked up every Tuesday night at the 10 spot. Watch it, love it, take it from me. Come on people, set your Tivo's!

A little bit of me for ya...

2005-06-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

I love these emails... I thought I would post my answers.....

1. First name: Jeff

2. Were you named after anyone? Yes... Jeffry from the family circus (Bro is Billy and if there were 2 more siblings they would have been Dolly and PJ)

3. Do you wish on stars? Sure, when I remember

4. When did you last cry? Last Saturday... I was super homesick

5. Do you like your handwriting? Yep, except all my life I was told it was girl handwriting. How tramatic

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast Beef

7. What is your birth date? 12/16/1978

8.What is your most embarrassing CD? The Jock Jam

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? No I am very intimidating and unapproachable.... LOL

10. Do you have a journal? Yes, a blogsite.... inquire within and I might give you the address

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? All the time. I hear it is a defense mechanism.

12. What are your nicknames? Jeffie, Jeffers, Rahm, Rahmer, Rahmy, Rahmstein, Rahmbomb and Hollywood... oh and my latest.... Jeffssica Simpson... cause I am smart like that.

13. Would you bungee jump? Yeah probably

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No... my bad? My Dad used to get so mad...

15. Do you think that you are strong? Of course, like super human.

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? New York Cheesecake ice cream (the dreamery brand)

17. Shoe Size? 12

18. Red or pink? Pink, apparently it's in. I dont look good in red.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I am a chatterbox

20. Who do you miss the most? Everyone in Seattle... especially Heather :) and my family, esp BIlly.

21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? Only if they want.

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Striped abercrombie T and tan cargo shorts with leather sandels... wow they are all abercrombie.... oops.

23. What are you listening to right now? Nothing b/c KAYO (99.3), the country station out of Tacoma that I always listen to everyday all of a sudden changed to a Mexican station. I am pissed and have not yet found a replacement. I am listening to the humm of the a/c right now.

24. Last thing you ate? Navy bean soup

(Weird... not sure what happened to #25)

26. What is the weather like right now? Hot and sunny like always

27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Katie

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hmmm... the opposite sex.... a nice rack and tight ass... haha!

29. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
LOVE HER... HEATHER I LOVE YOU!! :) I am so your emotional boyfriend forever and always.

30. Favorite Drink? Michelob Ultra for alchy and MDew Code Red for non-alchy. I have a real thing for good ol fashioned water, too.

31. Favorite Sport? Soccer

32. Hair Color? Brown

33. Eye Color? Blue

34. Do you wear contacts? yes and I just got hydraclears and I love them!

35. Favorite Food? Thai, but only in Seattle, Phoenix thai food sucks ass. I love Sushi here,
tho... and of course Filberto's Mexican and Voodoo Daddy Cajun.

36. Last Movie You Watched? Hell Raiser 3, it was the 5th of 5 movie channel movies watched during my lonesome movie marathon last Sunday.

37. Favorite Day Of The Year? 4th of July, 3-day holiday weekends and Christmas... but hands down... 12/16...

38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I am addicted to scary movies...luv them

39. Summer or Winter? Well I'd normally say summer but not now that I live in Phoenix... I am gonna have to go with winter

40. Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs with freinds and mabye strangers... mabye the European kiss on the cheek, but that's about it from this cowboy... well depending on how many drinks I have consumed.

41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? I dont like dessert... probably cheese cake

42. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? I dont know

43. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? I dont know

44. Living Arrangements? Rent a guest house from my buddy Greg and am moving in with my
girl Christy next month

45. What Books Are You Reading? none.... my bad? Love magazines... gotta keep track of my pals Paris, Lindsey and Kutcher.

46. What's On Your Mouse Pad? It says Hot Stix Golf

47. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Nothing, but on Monday night watched the Inferno on MTV followed by a preview of Real World Austin.... HOT!! I am a reality TV whore.

48. Favorite Smells? Anything Bath and Body works

49. Favorite Sounds? Rain and air conditioning units... j/k... have to go with just the rain... I miss it.

50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles

51. What's the furthest you've been from home? Anywhere

52. Do you have a special talent? I can run as fast as a cheetah... I dont know

53. What is your ring tone? "You have an annoying caller" - this is set for everyone who calls.
"You have an incoming booty call" is set for a special few.

54. What is the strangest thing about you? That I can watch the Weather Channel for 5 hours straight and love it!!

same shit different day...

2005-06-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

At first glance at this title you would think I am whining and depressed... not so much.

It seems as if I do the exact same thing every weekend, or even every week. M-F I work and go out spontaneously atleast one night. Then comes the weekend and I go out again.

This patterns recycles week after week. I dont mean to come off as a lush, but seriously.

I went out last night to this lesbian bar in Phoenix, The Biz, funny because there are more guys there than girls. It was fun but not that memorable. Nothing from the last 6 months really stands out except vacations and relationships.

With the alcohol comes emotions. They seem to grow in size with every sip of Michelob Ultra (the gay boy's drink). How can alcohol make me feel the way I do? Before I drink I dont even care about this certain guy.... but add a few brewskies and I am dialing away. Only to be left dissapointed and dissatisfied the next morning. Last night that certain someone met me at the bar. He has a way of acting non chalant, like he just doesnt give a fuck. To me that is hot. It is a challenge. A challenge that I am apparently willing to give up my pride and dignity for.

He shows up, we hang out, he wants me to come over. I do, we take a cab, go to his place. He starts playing with his dog and goes into his room... locks the door... and will not answer. Needless to say I left in a cab confused, hurt and upset at myself that I would let myself fall into such a trap. Over and over again...

Looking back on the night I really should have seen this coming. I knew the whole time that something would happen that I wouldnt like, yet I was willing to take that risk. It might have been the idea of getting some ass, but I think more importantly, it really comes down to the fact that I like him. A LOT. It's never gonna happen, though. That is ok. I am ok with that.

Alcohol is evil... tonight I guarentee that he will call me and I will get all giddy and excited. Dang. Atleast I know what I am doing and am not totally blind.

Life is full of drama and at times I take center stage. This isnt a bad thing. Not at all. I ll probably be hung up on this guy for awhile and move on, like I always do.

Atleast I have someone or something to dwell on. This weekend my goal is to make it memorable and to make it stand out from other weekends. We'll see.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere... I am gettin me a burrrr...

Self Discovery

2005-05-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

A year ago last January I loaded up my Volkswagen GTI and headed south to Arizona, alone. I have visited Phoenix many times throughout my life because I have relatives here in Scottsdale. I remember telling my Aunt Mary Jo at a very young age that 'someday I would live here.'

It was Christmas time in '03 when I visited Phoenix with my Mom, Dad and Brother. I worked as a television station rep in Seattle and one of my clients, Fairway Media, is located in Scottsdale. I decided to meet with them for a business lunch. The Monday after Christmas I was back at work in Seattle and received a call from Fairway. They offered me a position. Spontaneously I accepted, hung up the phone, gave my two weeks notice, broke my lease and started planning for my big move. The whole time I was wondering what the hell I was doing. Not only was I leaving my family, but all of my close friends, too. I had two just two weeks. I was going with the wind and it lead me to where I am at today, one and a half years later.

Seattle was my home for 20 years, I grew up there. It is my ol' stompin' ground. The rain never bothered me, I loved it. The lush green that seemed to emulate from everything made it all worth it. I grew up in a moderate sized town outside of Seattle named Bothell. It was in a great location. It was directly north of Lake Washington which made both Seattle and the sprawling eastside suburbs very accessible. I went to Bothell high school and graduated in '97. I moved to Bellingham and attended Western Washington University thereafter. I had four unbelievable years of college and graduated in '01 with a BA in Marketing and Minor in Business Administration. From there I moved home for a few months to save money. I worked fulltime as an unpaid media intern at a full service Ad Agency in Seattle for three months. I thank God that I have such supportive parents as I was essentially living off of them for that period of time. I landed a job as a station rep on the 8th floor of the Denny building on the corner of 6th and Bell on the edge of Belltown and the Denny Regrade. I moved out of the house, which was good because my commute was pushing an hour and a half each way. I drove around Seattle, through Ballard, Queen Anne, Capital Hill, University District and Green Lake looking for a place to live. I found a cute little house on Woodlawn right by Green Lake. I moved in with three strangers. A dirty hippy chic from LA (well... the valley), an alpha male from Boston and a geek mail carrier from Atlanta that played with his Rubik's cube 24/7. I instantly hated it.

I was out with some friends on January 11th, 2002, in Pioneer Square, when I got a frantic phone call from alpha male. "The house is on fire!!" Well, needless to say I got out of the lease. The house was a disaster. I have walked through a burnt out home before, but when it is your house it is so different. It really freaked me out. Thank God no one was hurt. Hippy girl was admitted to the hospital for smoke inhalation, but fully recovered.

I then moved into a house with my brother's then girlfriend, Megan (Inmysweats), and two other girls. This was by far a very exciting and memorable year in my life. My friendship with Megan is so strong and I really cherish that time in my life. She was one of the first people I came out to and she loves me unconditionally and vise versa. One year later I moved here to Phoenix.

Looking outside right now, I see palm trees and cacti. I see stucco and southwest architecture dominates. Talk about polar opposites. It hit 109 degrees today. In Seattle I believe it was barely pushing 60. It is so dry here and it is so wet there. I feel as though I have been here forever. This past year and a half have been monumental.

The drive down here was crazy. I went it alone, just me, myself and the open road. It was officially the start of my journay of self discovery as I wiped the tears from my eyes and said goodbye to my Mom. The minute I hit I-5 it all hit me... 'holy shit! I am moving.'

I lived in an RV in my relatives back yard in Scottsdale. I am very grateful that they were there to help me through the transition. Other than my family I knew not a soul. My co-workers are a lot older than me and were not exactly people I'd kick it with at the bars and clubs. My whole life I have strongly believed that I am a very outgoing person. I learned that I am a little more introverted in new situations, especially when I am alone. If I have even one person with me I feel as though I could be the life of the party. This humbled me. I learned to open up this completely different part of me. I made a huge stride when I went down to Lagerfeilds, a bar not too far from my old apartment on 44th and Thunderbird. Not only did I meet a lot of great people, but I did kareoke by myself, 4 songs, SOBER. This may seem silly but to me it was so liberating and exciting. The more that I go through life I care less and less about what people think of me. I tend to scrutinize everything I do. This is unhealthy and I am glad that I am growing out of it.

I think that deep down the underlying reason why I moved is because I needed to find myself. I am gay (wow,l a year ago I could not have said it). I desperately needed an outlet. Phoenix was my outlet. There is so much to say about my coming out experience, but that is a whole other show. Let's just say that I had an unbelievable coming out experience. I am very blessed to have such great people around me.

I have had 2 relationships since arriving in Phoenix and countless flings. I have met some awesome people that I know will be in my life for a long time to come. I have so many friends back home that I still talk to quite frequently. To me nothing has changed. All of my friends up North are still very important to me and always will be. I have experienced every emotion possible here... happiness, sadness, heartache, excitement, doubt, hope, the list goes on. The big difference is that I am experiencing these emotions in my own terms. I know who I am now. I am Jeff and I am gay and I love myself. I am strong. I am successful. I am a good friend. I am happy.

Yeah, I don't think so...

2005-05-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

Let me start out by saying that I love Phoenix. It may come across to you that I hate it here and want out ASAP, but in actuality I am in a momentary state of whinyness that soon will pass.....

It is dang hot here... I am talkin 112 forecasted for this weekend. Guess who doesn't have air conditioning in their car??? ME!

Imagine being stuck in traffic... shitty, right? Now imagine it being 112 degrees with no air. Let me try and explain what this is like:

Back sweat
Dripping forehead sweat
Leg sweat (yeah it exists down here)
Swamp ass.... Don't laugh! EVERYONE gets it, it is horrible and embarrassing

I ll drive a mile and I am drenched. If that's the case my commute is about 25 miles.

I went to get my air fixed the other day and it will cost me a ridiculous $1200. Yeah, I don't think so...

I have decided to trade my car in. There is no way in hell, or in this case Phoenix, that I am going fork out a grand when I could just get a new car.

Living here without air is just like asking the grim reaper to come over for dinner. I am seriously thinking that if I drive this weekend I will die.

The worst part is that I have no covered parking at my house. Upon entering your scorching vehicle, you need oven mits to take hold of the steering wheel. Rolling down the windows and cracking the sunroof do absolutely nothing. The heat does not escape and turning on the fan is like opening up an oven or pointing a blow dryer 2 inches from your face.

I really shouldn't complain, I mean I only 4 more months of this...

Big Spender

2005-05-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

I was looking at my most recent bank statement earlier and realized something... I am a compulsive spender... Not that I am shocked but seriously.

Let's see what I buy:

1. Food...
I go out to eat daily. At the time of purchase I don't care, until now that I am looking at my bank statement. For example this morning I went to Starbucks and got my usual Venti Soy Toffee Nut Latte, a bagel and a bottled water (of which I have 20 empty ones littering my car), $7. For lunch I had Tappenyaki and Sushi, $12. For dinner I had Pasta and wine, $25. Okay so that right there is $44. That is the price of an oil change and car wash, which I desperately need. I could also get so many groceries with that, but I always buy stuff and it rots in my fridge and I end up throwing it away.

2. Booze and going out...
okay this is a doozy. We all know how much the $$$ flows when alcohol is involved. Need I say more?

3. Clothes...
Not so bad anymore, but still not good. I buy $230 jeans that I wear once and get tired of. I buy designer shirts and they instantly lose their nostalgia. I buy tons of shoes and never where them because I am in the desert and I am forced buy mother nature to wear sandals. I buy shit that I don't even wear! I bought these big yellow sunglasses and I seriously would never wear them in public. I just straight up wanted them and I really don't know why. I also bought a D&G scarf... I live in AZ... nuff said.

4. Miscellaneous...
anything not mentioned in 1-3... plane tickets, vacations, furniture, DVD's, electronics, nic nacs, condoms, hotel rooms and hookers, etc... LOL...

4. Then of course there are the dreaded bills...

I realized that I blow hundreds of dollars on stupid shit. At the time of purchase it seems like a great idea but looking back I wish I would have left my wallet at home.

I am not alone, though. My friends are all in the same boat. We are all climbing that ladder to the top and in the meantime slowly learning lessons on how to save and manage money. I gotta say that I have gotten better. I have never been late on anything whether it be rent, car payment, credit cards, etc... but I still have a way to go. I spend more than I make but I am having a good time doing it. Hell I am young and ya only live once, right?!

'That Guy!'

2005-05-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am always 'That Guy.'

It never fails. Don't get me wrong, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I mean I'd much rather have a crazy no holds bar life than a drab and boring existence.

I am that guy who got a $500 ticket for throwing a cigarette butt out the car window... He wasn't even driving. The driver was taking bong hits and sipping wine (I know but it was college) and all she got off with the cop's phone number...Bitch.

I am that guy who stapled his hand with a staple gun while putting up Christmas lights when he was 12. He then called 911 panicked... An ambulance came and could not find the wound... Can you say CPS?? Yeah his folks were pissed.

I am that guy that gets CAUGHT egging a bus in 8th grade.

I am the guy who gets caught... Out of 10 who escaped... Running from the police in Bellingham, WA. They were drinking in public and he was drunk and he and his friends (mainly him) thought it would be fun to just start running. First off... Bellingham is a small town and the cops have nothing better to do than to chase them. They got away and he got caught. Not only did he get caught but they charged him with 8 different charges... Until he pleaded and begged for just an open container and got it. All the police wanted us to do in the first place was empty their beers... Sadly he was 22... Yeah don't ask.

I am that guy who falls behind the keg while doing a keg stand. The keg was in a corner in the kitchen and he then was lifted up, lost his balance, his arms went weak and he fell face first behind the keg with his legs in the air. Hot.

I am that guy who ran the hurdles in high school.. Enough said, take a guess.

I am that guy who in high school, while trying make friends with a cafeteria table full of adolescent strangers, blew snot out of his nose (accident's of course). Needless to say from that moment on he was super popular.

I am that guy who goes to a house party and throws up all over the host's parents.

I am that guy that gets kicked out of bars and clubs all the time for no reason... Okay well sometimes it is legit... But other times he does nothing wrong.

I am that guy who gets caught cheating in high school.... and college... Luckily also that guy who can weasel his way out with my charm... and a BJ... Okay NOT that guy.

I am that guy who goes for a leisurely run and trips... Falls... Down a hill... Over a ledge... Into a creek.

I am that guy who smokes a cigarette and somehow manages to light someone's hair on fire.

I am that guy who goes a little overboard with the lighter fluid at a barbecue and looses every single hair on his face.

I am that one guy in a group of probably 200 watching a fireworks display that gets shrapnel from a pipe bomb in his face... We were 100 yards away.

I am that guy that jumps on the diving board and it snaps... and he is not even fat.

I am that guy who runs out the door only to meet the screen door instead... Like 30 times.

I am that guy who runs on the treadmill, looses his concentration, followed by his footing, crashing to the ground and scraping his face.

I am that guy who goes skiing and thinks he can do anything on the mountain. He sees a jump and goes for it... A 30 foot cliff is on the other side... He loses everything... Skis, poles and even his bowels (HOT!! I know)... Yard sale. Yeah where is the ski patrol? Everyone's fun day at the mountain is ruined, once again he was very popular.

I am that guy who goes swimming at the beach and gets stung by jellyfish, bitten by crabs and attacked by a dog upon leaving the water.

I am that guy who turns on the oven, waits for it to preheat and puts the food in the microwave instead, then wondering what is taking so long.

Ok so you get the point... I am that guy. I am who I am and I know that people get a laugh out of my uncontrollable antics and follies so I guess it's ok...

Oh and I am also the guy who just got caught blogging at work... DANG!

Movin' on!

2005-05-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

My post yesterday really bummed me out when I read it... how depressing. It was a good release of tension and it felt good to get it all out, but I am honestly happier and more confident than I appear in the last post.

Life is too short to dwell on stuff like this. Yeah it hurt and I ll get over it. Life is long and I am pretty sure that this will happen to me again. The good thing is that I will learn so much through every experience regardless of how much it feels like it destroys me at the time. A good example of this was my relationship last summer. It was so devastating and I thought I would never recover. I am 100% over him now and I can see him with his new boyrfeind and be totally okay with it and civil with him. I no longer ache, I no longer feel despair and I no longer dwell on Jaimes.

I WILL overcome this minor roadblock and I have learned a lot about what I really want. I am looking at the positive and setting aside the negative. I am a good guy and if it is anyone's loss, it sure as hell is not mine.

Life is great and I am looking forward to learning more about myself in the upcoming years even if that means I'll have to go through this again because in the end it's all worth it.

The Long and Winding Road

2005-05-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

As humans we have been blessed with the ability to reason and to feel emotions, whether it be love, hope, faith, sadness, joy... The list goes on.

Why is that I go through a negative experience and continue to reside in it? I thought I learned something from a bad relationship this last summer. I met a guy and went through a very emotionally draining break up. At the time I thought as if my life was over, however, looking back I wonder why I stressed out about it so much. The feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and despair overtook me. I was a mess. I gradually pulled myself out of it and vowed to NEVER let that happen again. I thought that I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. Well, needless to say, it happened again... this time it's a mixed bag of emotions.

I met this guy on March 5... I know I even know the exact date. We clicked immediately and I was thrilled. I kept thinking that it was too good to be true, and it was... and still is as I am still trapped in my own confusion over what to do.

We had a lot in common, we both have similar personalities. We both love to laugh and talk and we enjoyed eachother's company. we spent a lot of time together and my friends were getting irritated because they saw less and less of me.

Let me just say, as a side note, that I am new at all this. I came out less than a year ago and am starting to experience the happiness and joy and butterflies that accompany a relationship. I am 26 years old and have never been in love, never. I am not ashamed to say this. Most people experience this in high school and college. I am going through the insecurities that I would have felt at a much younger age if I were straight and did not have to conceal my identity. My point is this... no one has a right to tell me that I am replacing them with someone else, to say that I am away too much and that I need to spend more time with my friends. I am sorry (or NOT sorry) that I don't know how to act, that I missed the memo that they read, studied and filed away years ago on how to act and what to do in the beginnings of a relationship. I real friend would be there for me and not make me consistantly feel like a jackass.

Ok... back to my thesis... or lack of one... that is the point, I don't what the hell what is going on or what to do. We started to spend enormous amounts of time together and I really fell for him, hard. I didn't see the signs and even if I did I was willing to pretend that they didn't exist. It was not just him, it was me. Like I said I am new at all this and wasn't sure if I was smothering him as I did not want to scare him away. On the other hand if I didn't call him and see him I was afraid that he would think I was losing interest. I was stuck in the middle.

The whole time that we were dating he would go back and forth on our status... we are boyfriend's, we're not, we are , we're not... a sign that I ignored. Why? I don't know.

About a month into it, he went out of town for 10 days and I left the day he got back for another 5 days. 15 day's passed. He did not call me once, not even to say hi, not even to touch base. Of course I was hurt but the minute he did call when I returned from my trip, I forgot all about it and immediately felt the butterflies again. What made it even worse was that we were having sex and this made it even more difficult for me to handle emotionally. I was starting to feel as if I was the main character in a lifetime original movie gone bad. I could picture myself yelling at my character telling him to run! Leave this drama, leave this bullshit. You don't deserve it. I was right, I don't. This is easier said than done and I honestly don't know why as it seems like a cakewalk through the park in theory.

This guy is a flake. He doesn't call, never returns my calls, text messages or emails. He only calls me when he wants to and it's usually after dark and after he has had one too many cocktails. Yeah he was, and still is, using me. Why can I not be strong and stop dwelling on a guy that essentially does not like me more than I like him. I cannot have a friends with benefits relationship with him, at least I have learned something.

This is where it gets weird...

After our 15 days of separation, we mutually decided that we would be friends and not mess around. At the time I was okay with that. I value our friendship and if he truly does not want a relationship, why would I push him into a situation that he doesn't want to be in? At that moment I felt that voice inside me that told me that this is what needs to happen and I listened to it. I actually did the right thing and in a way it was closure on our relationship and the opening of a friendship. 3 days later he calls me and I go over to his house and we had sex. The next morning we went out for breakfast and I took him to work. At that time it seemed as if we were together again, as if he changed his mind. He was telling me things that lead me to believe that the sparks had once again been ignited. There I was, ignoring the voice inside me and jumping right back into it. The emotions came back. The feelings came back. I thought everything would fall back into place.

He didn't call me again for 5 days. You'd think I'd learn, but no. There is always this thread of hope that things will work out and that this cloud will eventually develop a silver lining.

I ll jump ahead to today... it all started with a great conversation last week. We talked about how we were going to hang out this weekend. On Friday I called him and left him a message wondering what he was up to. He never called. On Saturday I texted him and asked if he wanted to go to a movie. He never called. This morning he texted me and asked me if I was still up for a movie today. Of course I put aside the fact that he blew me off all weekend and said yes. It was noon and we both had stuff to do this afternoon. We decided on 4-5p for the movie. I got the movie times, 415p and 525p and let him know. Four o'clock rolled around with no call. I called him and asked if he still wanted to go to the 525p and that there was a 715p if he wanted to wait until then. 525p rolled by and at 6p he sent me a text message...

'I cant make the movie'

'Ok' I replied. Here I am waiting for his phone call and stressing out and that is all I got. No 'I am sorry' and no excuse or explanation. Even if we are just meant to be freinds, a freind would not do that.

This should be the last straw but I know that he will call tomorrow and want to go to the movie and I know that I will say yes. I know that the decisions that I am making are detrimental to my emotional well-being, but I am willing to take the risk. This risk will hurt me in the end. When is the end? Why am I doing this to myself? Is it insecurity? Is it lack of willpower?

My friends tell me the same advise I would give anyone else in a similar situation. It doesn't seem to phase me. The light bulb is dimming... dimming... burnt out. I am not listening to this advice and instead I am setting up camp for a longterm heartache.

This is not all bad, I do know that I have learned a lot about myself through all this. I am starting to wonder why I like him. I cant really pinpoint the exact reason... is it personality? Is it sex? Is it my need to find love? I am thinking it is the ladder... I now know what the road to love, be it a far journey, feels like and that is why I am latching on so hard. It's not this guy, it could be anyone, I just want to find my match.

I have nothing to lose if I have already lost it. I ll move on and a year from now I ll look back at this at laugh. Ultimately it comes down to what I want and what I need. I don't want this or need this. I want to be in a committed relationship, but not a forced one. That thing called love will happen, when I don't know, but I have to take a step back and let it find me as i am tired of looking.

What happens from here is anyone's guess. My guess is that I will overcome this and become a stronger person as a result.

Metro

2005-05-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

We have all heard the expression 'Metrosexual,' in fact I believe it was the word of 2004 according to some reputable publication, can't remember which one, but it was.

This word is synonymous with 'Pretty Boy.' It is a man who looks gay but is straight.... Comfortable enough with his own sexuality to go get a pedicure with his girlfriend.

Where does society draw the line? A good friend back home helps me to find the line.

Here is why....

Once I looked in the mirror and came to terms with the fact I was gay and came out to the world I thought I had some sort of new gay-dar, which of course I didn't, but I thought I did. Well this guy really stands out and I don't think one needs gay-dar to have suspicions. I have learned, however that gay-dar does not exist, well unless it's obvious, but that would just be a case os simple observation.

He has never really had a girlfriend and when he did he would make up elaborate stories about them but the funny thing was that no one ever met them, except for one in high school. But even I had girlfriends in high school....

I recently visited home for a wedding and there he was. Let me remind you that this guy is one of my best friends and I love him and would take a bullet for him.... Well only to the knee of course.

He had a perm with highlights. Enough said. He actually had the perm in Vegas last March for the bachelor party but I just took it as something he did when he was drunk. With the highlights he looked more than metro... way more.... like gay. Needless to say I made the fact known.. I gave him shit, friends do that to friends. He was speechless and the whole room was laughing hysterically. For once he had nothing to say. I felt kinda bad, but he was asking for it and it was all in fun. It was funny that I, a gay man, was calling him a queer.

Ok so my point is this guy is straight as an arrow and I know he is. Living in this gay world I have begun to realize that there is no gay stereotype. We come in all colors, sizes, lifestyles and demeanors. Some of us are straight acting and some of us are queens. It's easy for ignorant people to watch a gay pride parade and immediately associate leather and bare asses with homosexuality.

People are people, we do what we want because we want to. My friend has enough confidence to say 'you know what? fuck what people think, I am gettin me hair did!' If he is gay I don't care. That is not what is important. I don't like labels, I am Jeff and that is it.

What the hell am I doing?

2005-05-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ok so I just got home and was looking through some papers and came across a free trial membership with Men 24/7 for 90 free minutes... 2 words... phone sex...

I have no desire for phone sex but I thought I would call just for the hell of it... this is my experience...

I call and hear some automated man, he sounded about 55 yrs old w/ a raspy voice, trying to be all sexy.... not doin it for me... sorry.

He asked me to record a message and I do... I say the following:

"Hey names Jeff, I ve never done this before, got this free membership at gay pride, thought I'd give it a shot"

Of course I used a sexy voice.... and had many a men that wanted to chat.

I talked to 5 different guys and I was far from arroused... ie I have no idea what these guys look like..

It went a little something like this....

"What's up"
"Not much"
"You do this much"
"No"
"this is my first time"
"ok"
"Where are you from"
"Moved here a year and a half ago from Seattle"

-INTERUPTION-
(Automated Man) "Your caller has a message, please wait until he answers".... meanwhile they put me on hold with the 'Queer as Folk' soundtrack... "I am sorry your caller has hung up"

WHAT??? Ok this happened 5 times in a row. It's one thing to get dissed in public but it's another to get dissed over the phone by some guy who most likely looks like a sea donkey. Little do they know that I am cute and that they are leaving me for some fatass... whateve...

Ok so one guy gave me his number but he lives in Anthem, which to me is so like Stepford land... I am so not calling him.

I managed to talk to 2 guys at a scuzzy hotel nearby that wanted me to come over. This is how they described themselves.

"Well Jeff, I am 6 foot, 200 lbs of solid muscle, 8 pack abs, big 10 inch cock and my buddy Joe is 6'4, 240 lbs and has a 10 inch cock, ripped. " (With an obvious fake sexy voice)

Okay let me translate that:

"Well, I am 450 lbs of solid keg with a 3 inch cock that is real tough to find and my friend Tubby is 360 lb with a 4 inch cock that is also nearly impossible to locate..."

Needless to say I passed on the offer. I am not stupid. They even offered to pick me up. Sick. I am done with this phone bullshit. I had 5 denials and 1 invite to 'SeaWorld' undercover. Yeah... No thanks!

That bug's

2005-05-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

This time a year in Phoenix all of the reptiles and bugs emerge from their winter slumbers... and let me tell you they are taking over this year mainly due to tremendous amounts of rain this past winter. Now remember I moved to this place from Seattle, so many of these below are new to me.... no actually they all are.

-Cockroaches the size of your arm... Hot!

-Scorpions... Whose only purpose in life is to hurt and sometimes kill. I have to check my clothes and shoes every morning.

-Pale Verde Beetles... These flying wonders are as big as birds with huge ass pincher's, love them.

-Grasshoppers... No problem you may say... Not when they as big as your shoe and you are walking around and they spring into your direction and land on your face... Happens all the time.

-Moths, huge.... Seriously tho moth balls?? Yeah these fuckers would chew on em and spit em out. They are still stupid like normal moths as they bump into walls and fly into lightbulbs, but these bitches hurt when they ram into your head. Love them, too

-Spiders, many kinds, many.... black widow, recluse, wood and hobo spiders, all deadly and they are everywhere, fun! And the dreaded tarantula, which I pretend doesn't exist.

-Unidentified insects..... these are the creepiest b/c you really have no fuckin clue what you're dealing with. 2 more points for Phoenix!

-Snakes... Scary to all, no need to explain, they are all poisonous and deadly, all of them.

-lizards and geckos... now I love these b/c they are cute and harmless. I prefer for geckos to come into my house and create artwork on the wall by just walking around in large groups. It's like an ever evolving work of art.

So needless to say I am thrilled for the 110+ degree that is to come this summer... with the heat comes the bugs and I am really excited.... ummmm.... yeah.... really fuckin stoked.

Shit my pants

2005-04-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

Ok so there are things in life that freak people out, here is what freaks me out and why...

1. Clowns.... do I need a reason? You never know what is behind that fake scary painted on smile, besides I swear they are all child molesters.

2. Leprachauns.... they are devious and cannot be trusted. They are shorter than me which freaks me out b/c short people can dart and run around all fast. Plus they have ugly faces and pointed feet. horrifying.

3. Gnomes....I dont know exactly why but whenever the Travelocity commercial comes on I have to change my underwear.

4. Pirates.... they want to kill me so why should I not be guarded?

5. People dressed up as Disney Characters.... same exact reason as clowns. If Mickey Mouse runs up to me I freeze and shit my pants.

6. Santa.... he is not real and they are also child molesters.

7.......and the finale..... GREYHOUND DOGS!!!! AHHHHH! These repulsively fugly dogs freak the living shit out of me. I cannot pinpoint exactly why, but seriously!! Whippets are even worse! ah! They have long noses and run with such perfect posture it is sickening. Must I just say that I love it when they stick their long neverending noses into my crotch....blah.... that is me puking. In Seattle I was running around Green Lake, a popular lake to take your dogs. I was having a great run, the weather was nice, I was listening to good music, gettin in shape and all of a sudden I round the curve of the trail...... at that moment I felt as if I was in a horror movie... a women running towards me with 8, count them, 8 GREYHOUND FUCKIN DOGS! What was I to do? Turn around and run the other way? No then they would chase me. How about stop and step aside and tie my shoe.... no b/c then I am vulnarable in a hunched over position. I ended up holding back the pee and shit and I ran way off the trail and around the pack of wild horrors. It was scary b/c they sensed my fear and all 8 of them glared at me as if in slow motion while they continued to run......

So that's it... I am not afraid of the dark or of open spaces, but of Greyhound Dogs.... yeah I am a real winner I know.

Fakin' bakin' in the AZ

2005-04-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

Ok ok you ask why do I spend money and go to a tanning bed when I live in the valley of the sun??!

1. I dont have time to lay out

2. I am gay and must be tan

3. Tanning takes off 10 pounds

4. The AZ sun is too hot

5. Try laying out in 115 weather

6. convenience

7. cute boys who work there

8. I dont need a reason

I do go tanning quite a bit and I think, in fact I know, that I went overboard this week... I went 3 times this week in a row and resemble the orange of an Oompa Loompa... I happen to be deathly afraid of Oompa Loompa's so I am not looking in mirrors... which.... OMG!!... is impossible for me..... and then we are right back to self absorbsion.

Movin' on out...

2005-04-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so ever since I ve lived on 8th St in the ghetto I have been bummed out... I guess you could say just not myself. I thought it was a bunch of things. I thought it was my Dad and how he acted kinda weirded out when he was here, I thought it was thinking I was alone and that I would never find a relationship. I thought it was a guy... but looking back that was based entirely on my own insecurities b/c he is a good guy... I thought it was work .... no it was none if the above, it was and still is, my living arrangement. It all makes sense to me now.

I moved from beautiful Paradise Valley to the scuzzy crime infested Coronado Historical district back in mid February... the main reason being that it is the 'gay' area and I thought I would fit it there. There has been so much drama since day one. I am taking responsibility for some of it but still. Dang! So anyways this whole 'gay area' is not all it's cracked up to be. It continually reminds me that my life is gonna be tough because I am gay and how it is hard to find guys for LTR.... it bumbs me out.

I love my roomie like no other. We have been through a lot together but lately things have begun to take a turn. I am afraid that if I live there for much longer that our friendship will be in jeopardy. I can be an asshole to live with and granted I have my own guesthouse, it is still hard for me to live with people. Just ask previous roommates. Another downside of living so close to all the gay bars is that I am going out a lot and when you go out and you know everyone, you gain a reputation and I just don't want that. I am better than that and need to stand back and evaluate what I really want.

So what do I want? I wanna move to Scottsdale, the fun part, Old Town.... I wanna go to straight bars and hang out with my straight friends and concentrate on meeting a guy only for a LTR and not in a bar. I might have one now but I gotta wait and see how things progress and am willing to do so although friendship with this particular person in the end would be awesome, too. I love going to straight bars. That is what I miss the most about Seattle. The only reason I would go to a gay bar is to get some ass I am so done with that. Of course moderation is the key :) I am a guy afterall...

So I gotta find someone to sublet my lease... Shouldn't be hard being there are a couple people interested in moving in after my lease is up. I don't want to screw my roomie over so I ll find someone first and it really has nothing to do with him at all... it's about me and what is best for me. What is best for me is to move out of this environment and do some soul searching. Besides my car is so close to getting broken into it's not even funny.

Puppies

2005-04-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so my roommate got this puppy.... a black lab.... named Prada.... yeah I didnt name it. Even though my blog name is palmtrees and Prada, but whateve.

So anyways he brought it home about a month ago and it was the size of my arm... cute and lovable.

Ok so what happened? This Prada grows bigger everyday. Not only that but it loves to play. When I say play I mean bite so hard that she breaks the skin and I have scars alll over my otherwise tanned and toned legs.

Ok so I dont know what it is, I know that this dog loves me which is fine but seriously. Whenever Prada see's me she immediatly sprints at me and bites my legs, regardless of what jeans I happen to be wearing at the time. This is the main point of this blog.....

Ok so I dont buy $230 chip & peppers for nothing. This bitch... no pun intended... loves to bite and when I say bite I mean rip my jeans. Ok if they were Jordache I wouldnt care. Prada does not bite anyone else's jeans so I think that there is a conspiracy.

Yesterday was the last straw.... ok so I live in Phoenix. Valley of the sun, well not yesterday, we had some crazy ass storms and it rained like a mother fucker. Prada, being born in the valley, has never seen rain. How excited she was. It was hellarious. There were six of us out underneath the covered patio laughing at the antics of Greg's newest investment. I happened to be all dressed and ready for last evening's activities, which included a lavish catered VIP party in valley. Yeah so I had on my true religions. You may say, um.... yeah those are so last year .... and they are ever since Nick Lachay wore the exact pair on the MTV awards. But anyways I paid a pretty penny and wore them cuz they are hot. So Prada, all wet and muddy, desides it is play time...with out telling me.

She runs over and jumps on me. Not only that but she was biting my jeans, again. These true's are the black ripped one's and Prada proceeded to make more rips. She literaly was attacking me and all everyone could do was laugh. I think it went beyond playing to a full blooded attack.

I guess the point of this story, if there is one, is that puppies are cute... but they grow up and turn into dogs. I would love to just buy a puppy and continually trade them in for new puppies when they turn into dogs.

I am so gonna get attacked when I go outside now... but that is ok.... I am wearing Jordache.

2005-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Me and My Lindsey Lohan :)

I am shocked!!!

2005-04-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's funny people's reactions when I told them I was gay... There were 3 reactions.

1. Yeah I know
2. That's cool
3. (awkward silence, then....) that's cool

When people said that they knew I was gay it almost made me mad. Here I am about to divulge this huge secret that has building up for years and you already know? It's like telling a joke and someone immediately interrupts you with 'yeah I've heard that one' and delivers the punchline and ruins everything!! URGGG!

When I finally gained enough courage to confront people one on one, I would go through these steps in my head:

1. ok how am I gonna do this
2. in what context am I going to do this
3. should I be serious or funny
4. how are they gonna respond
5. repeat steps 1-4 46 times and panic

With all of this emotional prepping it doesn't help to have someone say they already knew.

So now onto the 2nd reaction: that's cool

Obviously this is the best response and that came from mostly everyone I know (other than all of the other geniuses who apparently know me better than I know myself...see reaction #1)
It was nice to hear it and it evoked immediate support. Phew... I would think and then I would go back into panic mode.... next person in line please.

And finally the 3rd.... the awkward silence followed by it's cool

It's a lot like watching American Idol when Ryan Seacrest is announcing who gets booted... and then there is a commercial break. At this point life stops and all I hear is a low buzz as if I took a nitrous hitter.... waiting for their reaction. I obviously knew it was not really okay with them but these people don't necessarily hate me or anything, it just takes time to let it marinate. It's as if they're shocked. Then I think, ok how did you not know? Immediately contradicting my irritation at those that really did already know. (sad...would if I was straight and people thought this)

For those who are shocked I cannot see why they did not even have the slightest inkling that I was a little different than the other kids.... a good example being my lavish doll collection complete with unicorns and rainbow bright. My Dad would ask me to go play catch and I would be too busy braiding my little ponies hair and trying on wigs dancing around to Cher.

I guess I had a really good 'coming out' experience, in fact I know I did and should be grateful for that. I, too, had to go through all 3 reactions with myself and that was my biggest accomplishment in my life... nothing will ever top it, nothing.

Thirsty Thursdays

2005-04-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

What is it about thursday? Or should I say thirsty thursday....back to the college days... why can I not wait until tomorrow?? I honestly feel like it is beyond my control. Ever notice how you have more fun on a weekday spontaneously than on the weekends? Mabye it's b/c you're too hungover from thurs and weds and for some even Tues.... I dont know. What I do know is that it is 9p and I am all dressed and ready to go...might I add with my new Dior colonge.

There are many plus's to going out during the week, especially on Thursday's.

1. You end up waking up early b/c there is some mystery boy in your bed and you need to drive him to Awahtukee in the morning so getting to work on time is a snap.

2. Older people at work like to live vicariously through you. Just mentioning the night's events evokes excitement in the elders.

3. You can act all sick at work on Friday and puke and go home early faking that you have the flu or west nile or something....

4. It's like the starting line to the weekend. It's a warm up, a pep talk.

5. You know you have to work in morning and in way that makes it even that much more fun! 'Will I sleep in?' It's mysterious and exciting!!

So yeah it's Friday now... went out last night and had a lot of fun, I was actually early to work and feel great, other than the loose bowels and partial throw ups. Round 2 begins at 5p. Stay tuned....

Self Absorbsion

2005-04-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, first of all I dont even know if 'absorbsion' is a word but whatever.

So we all live our lives through our own eye's right? If that is the case then I must say that EVERYONE in this world is self fuckin absorbed. Every morning when I wake up I think about how tired 'I am.' 'I' get to work and think about how 'I' dont want to be here.... think about it though seriously. In an average day how often do you think about yourself??

I mean if you think about it ALL THE TIME!!! I dont care who you are. I look in the mirror and think about 'ME'!! Should 'I' wear a hat or go with the pomade?? How can 'I' be hotter?? Who can 'I' nail some hot ass tonight? Who is gonna notice 'me'? What should 'I' wear? Does this look good on 'me'? How many times in an average day do you say 'I' or 'me'??? I am guessing more than you know.

I think it is ok to be self absorbed.... to a point. It is impossible not to be. So the next time someone calls you self absorbed (especially if you live in Scottsdale) stand up to plate and say yes 'I am'.... and 'you' are ugly... followed by "'I am' an asshole, too!!!" :)

2005-04-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

HOT!

Boy Meets Boy

2005-04-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Gay Bars....hmmmm....hot boys everywhere. A good thing, right?? Yeah no not really. In just about any gay bar every boy in the place wants one thing.... ass. 'That is a great thing!' you may say, however when it comes to meeting a nice guy for a LTR, it's not so hot. The same thing happens everytime... walk through the door, make eye contact with someone hot, talk for 5 minutes, go home, mess around, wake up the next day, take them home and then your friends. About 80% of my friends have originated like this. Sad I know but that is the state of the gay world and atleast I have cute friends and I know how big their dicks are. It is funny to sit in a room with a bunch of gay guys and know that they have all been together. You would think it would be awkward but it's really not. There are only a small few that I continue to have encounters with but for the most part none of them are relationship material, none.

So where can I meet a decent guy? On the internet? Ok tried that, same shit... he comes over, mess around and become friends. How about Church? Yeah tried that, too. All I saw were fat lesbians with their kids resembling Rosie O'Donnell. I know it sounds hot, but it just didnt do it for me. How about the produce isle? Yeah ok this only happens in movies... so where? All guys these days are Metro so you never know if they are gay or not. It is a risky undertaking to approach any guy these days.

So I guess that is why I latch on so hard to a certain guy when it goes beyond the initial meeting, messing around, waking up, taking them home, friendship.... and then....magically you click and start hanging out everyday as 'boyfriends.' This almost seems destined to fail when you mess around before you know their name, as it has so many times with me, most recently with a guy who I thought was 'the one.' And that right there sucks b/c it seems to have ended as quickly as it began.

So until I find my one and only I gotta make more friends the only way I know how....which isnt all that bad... in fact I am gonna make a TON of freinds this weekend! ;)